Sunday Fun Day, the day I don’t remember anymore

Wow. I literally do not rememebr the day before. Wow. I remember the evening so I’m going to start there and then continue and see if anything else comes back to me.

I do know that I woke up again tired and slightly hungover. The day before we went into the city to watch the hockey game I’m pretty sure.

I decided to dress well, jeans and a white dress shirt with no sleeves and go for a walk in North York — sit somewhere I can meet girls and read Man’s Search for meaning all afternoon. That was a nice idea. In the earlier part of the day while Taras was away I stayed home to do sweet nothing and eat + watch whatever. It was great. He called me asking whether I wanted to help him out because he made a bad decision in telling Marina that she should pick a gift and that WE woudl pay for it. I respectfully said that I will not be involved in this. At first the emotions that came to mind were frustration and mild annoyance but instead of overthinking it I instead decided to go and drop off the sweater. I walked back home, ate some more and then spent some time fixing the application for 2 hours — namely the graph. Then I decided to start to leave the house. I left it all nicely dress like I previously mentioned and felt great in my own skin. No worries in the world. I did think that people were staring but that was not true, I did make eye contact with a few girls on the subway. I also smiled and had a smile returned when I was walking down Yonge st. She was really pretty. I walked to the north york centre and the recurring thought that I felt was that “I must look super serious or very stupid and bummy and faking it” What a silly thought. As soon as I started to go along with a plan I did not personally plan (comedy show) I felt less like myself again. Sad. I even kept debating it over and over in my head. I sat down in front of the Farmer’s Boy and had a mexican soda (it was green!) and I wrote eveything out. At first I was strongly, strongly against it because I felt that I should be focusing on building my own relationships. I also felt that by going I would be perpetuating the cycle of cycling when I don’t want to. What I came to realize is that if I didn’t go it would be a literal waste of money and that I may very well enjoy the show and meet a really gorgeous wife there. By not going I was missing out on the possibility of a lifetime. I was literally a button press from sending the message of I cant make it but did not send it at the last second. I did something that was not comfortable because “I” wanted to and not because of anyone else. I realized that it was completely my choice — that I had full autonomy, that I could leave. That I could lock Taras out if I wanted to. I could start talking out loud. I could hate his friends. I could sit in the corner. I could also just do nothing. Everything happens for me not against me. Life is on my side. It is holding me high and telling me to do the difficult thing. Success is to be found literally on the other side of the dopamine curve. Yip Yip.

The show was fun! Taras’s friends were super duper pleasant. I was drunk enough to sing kareokoe for the first time. I made it onto the subway before it closed. I was really close to talking and dancing with a pair of really hot girls. Holy shit.

I release my need for validation. I let myself get to know pretty girls because my presence matters. I love myself. I can sing. I allow myself to fall in love again. I let myself easily put on muscle. I let myself be happy again and release the need to be rigid and super “strong”. I allow myself to be human. I allow myself the ability to be more conscientious. I allow myself to succed at building an amazing app. I let myself not feel the need ot mindlessly scroll on my phone anymore. I release myself from anxiousness for my family. I release myself from the protective mechanism of putting the judgements and feelings of others first. I allow myself to be curious about other people. I allow myself not to be ashamed to be myself again. I let go of the projection of insecurities onto others. Thank you.