The Hyatt — tacos, Saj and fancy hotel bars

I decided to meet a girl from an odd dating app called Pure- a derilict applicaiotn that is used primarily by indiviudals who have lost their access to Tinder and simlar applications.

We met at the park and although she was like her pictures she wasn’t perfect. Oh well. It was a silly late afternoon acting like a teenager in the park with cuddling, kissing and all sorts of similar things. We spend an hour and a half going back and forth about nothing serious. By the end if I’m being honest I was not proud of being with a girl like that, I walked by prettier girls thinking that they’re probably judging me for not being with prettier girls. I felt like I would be judged for being handsome but walking or interacting with girls who are beneath my ability. That came out horribly but that is the truth. Once we separated I decided that I would have the tacos that I wanted a week earlier but left too late to get. As I walked to the subway I could still feel kisses on my face and thought that there could be something left over on my face. There wasn’t and everytime someone smiled towards me i felt a little guilty. I took the subway to Bathurst station where I began to feel comfortaly like myself again and even more in control than typically. I walked in like I felt comfortable and spoke to the girl who worked there in a plesant way. I am happy with that interaction because I showed plenty of emotion. I also found that talking about food gave me comfort to speak frankly but in one direction. I sat down and noticed that mostly white people with chronic conditions go to this place. Which was okay — but made me feel less at home oddly enough. The tacos were tiny! Much smaller than I thought they would be which was a significant suprise to me because I assumed large tacos the size of the hardshells in Walmart. But I had them with a dry beer — something I took from another place I ate mexican food from but couldn’t put a finger on. They were good, but really expensive and not worth their cost (30 cad) for 3 tacos! Inflation prices — I did learn that tacos would make for an amazing breakfast food I could make at home with very simple ingredients that I had around the house which included a mini wrap, pico de Gallo, a little cream and a protein. Simple, tasty and filling. I also realized that taco type foods are the south american equivalent of pasta — that it’s a simple ingrident food meant to be filling with smaller portions that are filled with the availabilties on hand.

In addition I also felt a little empty sitting after I finished eating without the chance of making much conversation or having somewhere to go. I felt a tad let down by the price + value of the tacos but decided to tell myself that I could instead take this as an opportunity to practice Maybe. I finished, by giving the plate back to girl, or rather place iton the table next to her and tell her that in fact it was suprisingly filling — found challenging to say at first but found the words I was looking for I was not afraid to try to speak my mind.

On the way to Queen’s Park to meet the app girl I was sitting on Line 1 next to a pretty girl who decided not to change seats — I asked her why? She said that it was because she is okay sitting near the edge and others may not feel as comfortable so she was doing everyone a service (which she described in a polite way rather) I don’t believe it was that — she said she didn’t realize and maybe she didn’t. What if her perspective on the world was simply differnt than mine — who am I to argue or perceive differently? Equally across from me on the Viva bus was a pretty girl with amazing black hair — I wanted to talk to her and complimen ther hair but I didn’t because well, I thought that it was too late afer I sat there “awkwardly” for a short period of time. And once we got closer to the station I wanted to say something more but was afraid that it would feel forced. I created a manifested idea of what it might feel like, what the other person may think about the lateness of my comment and the approach I took — maybe she would start to feel uncomfortable by my comment. I feel like she did llike me because she seemed to get a little more jumpy as our sitting progressed, with her leg bouncing up and down.

I also noticed that she probably liked me, there was no reason for me to assume that I wasn’t likeable.

While I was sitting after eating the tacos I was looking intently for another place to go to, another place to try. It was a great idea because I found Zaad — a sandwich place where the girl who worked there made it obvious that we liked each other — with eye contact, tone of voice, things like that. She was suprised by my excitment to try new food and funny enough it was real excitement — I was not faking a single smile. On the way there I told myself that all that is stopping me from making more friends and meeting more girls is a a smile. I talked and enjoyed that girl’s smile but also the resulting joke that came out of it all. I really enjoyed the sandwiches they were amazing frankly. They were so so so so good.

This job, the call centre work is not condusive to my long term mental well being — it has changed how I look at situations and also how I feel. It is not a place I can develop a healthy arbitrage.

Although I was not specific with Taras I did let the monkey out of the bag — what I realized is that often people don’t have anything to add to what you’ve said and that is not a bad thing — it just describes the situation that they are personally in. Maybe Taras is asking/curious about my friends because he feels that you must be introduced to feel worthy and the fact that I don’t introduce him means something is off with him? Who knows — it has nothing to do with trying to bring me down. Everything to do with everyone else and nothing to do with me. I suddenly feel that what Taras said about them allowing anyone is bringing my vibe down. Maybe because it feels like it discredits my effort. That could be it. Because if they are nice to everyone then does that mean that I don’t belong or that I am just a passerby? No. I am exactly who I am, it takes balls to do what I did. I am proud of myself and do not take on anyone else’s perspectives. They pass through my hands like sand. Other people’s questions are reflections of themselves rather than anyone else. I let go of their insecurities and let myself only take on my own thoughts.

I walked away from the sandwich place happy, full and smiling — life felt fullfilling. As I kept walking I decided to grab a nightcap to finish off the evening. I found a fancy bar and found that I was not intimidated by trying to go there anymore. It was so cool to step into a fancy hotel. It was pretty and quiet. The man I met at the elevator was an anxious feeling dude. As I walked in I felt at home — I did not feel out of place, anxious or concerned. As I walking to the elevator I thought to myself that the only thing you need to get far far far ahead in life is to be pleasant. When you feel pleasant you act pleasantly and therefore others are able to better enjoy your company. This means that once you are calm within yourself others do not want to bother you and ruin your energy — often in expensive places people are self-contained, calm and wired for understanding, appreciation and meeting you where you are. I realized that nothing is stopping me from become the person who pays 800+ a night for a hotel room. I realized that I am already that person.

For this reason and more I allow myself to feel appreciated, I allow myself to make drastically more money than my parents and predecessors, I allow myself to not feel self-consious. I allow myself to be happy. I allow myself to put myself first. I allow myself to access to immesurable wealth by creating value for the world around in me in such an objectively powerful way that money flows easily without difficulty into my bank accounts. I allow myself to have abs, I allow myself hard work. I allow myself to be more conscientious. I allow myself to put my thoughts above anyone elses, I release all shame and feeling of burden. I release the past. I release feeling of insufficency. I release my wanting for happiness through others and I find that inner strengh. I release the anchor limiting my beliefs and I step into an Anton who trusts himself, who is not ashamed of who he, height and all. I release any need to self sabotage and I create space for self trust, self love and complete self value.